Disclosure: the below is just my opinion and my particular experiences. I am not a seasoned IT person nor the grand poohbah of publishing. What I am is a writer. Let’s be clear, the problem is no doubt me but nonetheless, I share it. I’ve heard many positive things about IngramSpark. You can’t be as big and successful as they are without doing a lot of things right. It’s just that I can’t seem to get any of those things right for me.

I jot down this sad tale because IngramSpark and I have had, from the start, a tenuous relationship. I will elucidate. A few years back and hoping to sell more books, I uploaded the whole shebang into IngramSpark (which cost a pretty penny because it wasn’t free to upload books then as it is now). Instead of selling more books, I learned a valuable and expensive lesson. Here comes the elucidation. Shortly after the upload, 40 of my books were ordered by an assistant buyer at a bookstore where I was going to be doing an event. Even though there were 4 writers at the event, and the crowd was only going to be around 45 people, the buyer still ordered 40 of my books. 8 of them sold, which sounded pretty good to me until . . .

I found out the remaining 32 would be returned to IngramSpark and I was going to be charged full retail for the books. This was because stupid me had NOT said ‘no’ to any returns. This gets worse. Not only would I be charged full price, but once the books were returned to IngramSpark they would be destroyed. I threw myself on the mercy of this bookstore, even though I was really annoyed with them for ordering so many of my books to begin with. This bookstore, who will remain nameless, said I could buy the books for 30% off the retail price (everybody has to make a profit, right?) But let’s do the math. 32 X $17.50 less 30% is what I wound up paying. This little jaunt to the bookstore cost me around $600.

On the bright side, at least I had the books. If I had let them be sent back to IngramSpark, I would not only have been out 30% more money, but I would have had no books because they would have been destroyed. It was the lesser of two evils. In a snit, I withdrew my books from IS. IngramSpark should rethink the practice of charging full retail price instead of their cost and making a profit on a writer who is a double loser. The books are being returned because they didn’t sell, and then the writer gets charged up the ying-yang for the honor.

But years passed, times change, and once again I decided I needed to try having my books available to libraries and bookstores across the country. And I was lulled into a sense of security that IS has become more my style because they no longer charged for the initial process of uploading book covers and contents. Yes, they do charge for any changes after 60 days but that sounded reasonable.

So, I began reentering my books into their system. But I said a resounding NO to any returned books no matter the IS ‘words of wisdom’ about libraries and bookstores being less likely to order them if they can’t be returned. That lesson I learned. You are always going to find that knothead who will order 40 of your books when there’s 3 other writers at an event and only a crowd of 45 because what’s it to them if the books are returned or not? After all, writers are rich, right?

But back to IngramSpark being my own personal pain in the patootie. From the beginning I found them difficult to work with and, of course, I admit you could lay it at my feet. Still and all, I find their system isn’t user-friendly or intuitive. You need to know or have access to the minutest details of publishing a book, from A to Z. And I always seem to forget one letter of the alphabet. If you don’t do what they want exactly, you are going to learn the hard way that they ain’t puttin’ up with nothin’.

 For example, it took me 6 exasperating hours to figure out how to embed fonts from Word into PDF. I searched all over the Internet and did everything I could to find the answer. I gave myself until 5:00 PM to resolve this or I was never speaking to IS again. At 10 minutes to the self-imposed deadline, I found the answer. Somewhere, someone on the Internet advised to check under options in Word for this issue. Vague, but that was my only clue. There are about a dozen places you can find options in Word, but I finally found the right one. And IS finally took the file.

But they went on to say they did not like the book cover, something about the colors. I looked at the sample of my book cover they were not happy about and it looked just fine to me. In fact, it looked exactly the same. I said, well, phooey, take it the way it is, guys. So, I uploaded my 6-hour book. The next one took me 15 minutes to upload once I’d found out where this stupid option for embedding was.

I became giddy with success and decided to upload a  third one. Big mistake. Naturally, something went wrong. IngramSpark told me the ISBN number is already in use. Well, no it isn’t. Or is it? I had to go back to Bowker, spend a certain amount of time on hold, finally spoke to someone who did some research and found out that it was, indeed, my ISBN number. After an hour of dealing with this, I sent a text to IS telling them of the problem on their end. Below is what I received from IngramSpark. Be still my heart.

Hello Heather,
 
Thank you for contacting us.
 
This email is to let you know that the title xxxxxxxxxx was set up through Amazon Digital Services first and it cannot be set up from the beginning using the same ISBN number on our platform.  
 
A title transfer request would have to be placed with us, but it is not guaranteed that Amazon Digital Services will transfer the title. 
 
Please submit your title transfer request by using the link below: 
https://www.ingramspark.com/lp/title-transfer 
 
What happens next? 
– We will review your request. 
– We will reach out to the current publisher to inform them of the request to transfer the title to your account. 
– You will be notified via email when the title is transferred and available in your account. 
 
Please allow about 30 days for confirmation and transferal. 
Please allow us time to obtain approval from the current publisher and process orders before we complete the transfer of the title to your account. 
 
Since the title will be moving from one publisher to another, please consider purchasing a new ISBN or one of our free ISBNs. All past sales and returns information will follow the current ISBN, which means if the book is returnable, you could end up with returned books. Please see the following article for more information ISBN & SKU INFORMATION. You may need to be logged into your IngramSpark account to view this article. 
 
Let us know if you have any questions, and we’ll be happy to help. 
 
Thank you for choosing IngramSpark! 

Well, their last sentence was like pouring salt on the wound. If I had a choice, I would stay as far away from them as I could. IngramSpark is my Goliath, and I am David minus a slingshot. But when it comes down to it, I’m a fighter not a victim, so I persevered. The emails have been flying back and forth between IngramSpark and me for weeks now. I sent them the URL number of the website and an image of it on Bookwire several times. Didn’t work.

I checked with Amazon, and they agreed with me but say they can’t do anything about IngramSpark’s protocol (who I could never reach by phone). Furthermore, the Amazon representative told me that even though the book is expanded, it should have nothing to do with the ISBN number. Amazon says everything’s fine the way it is. IngramSpark says it’s not. IS maintains I need to request Amazon transfer the ISBN number over to IngramSpark even though Amazon says it’s not necessary. IS is determined. I am depressed.

After a large martini and a strong backrub courtesy of my husband, I began the process of transferal, knowing it will take a month to learn the outcome. A month of waiting, martinis, and backrubs. Hmmm, not all bad. But somewhere in the recesses of my mind lurks the question of whether or not I will wind up having to buy another ISBN number to satisfy the gods. And this only is the 3rd book. There are 15 more to go. That’s a lot of martinis. And I may need to hire my own personal masseurs.

Yes, yes, I could pay somebody else to do all this but reality check. It would probably wind up costing me thousands of dollars because I’m dealing with 18 books. And there is often this type of glitch that eats into the clock and you never know when it’s going to turn up. The gods can be so finicky. So, nobody’s doing this process but me. Arrrrg!

I want to go on record as stating I hate this part of publishing. And it would be lovely if IngramSpark were a little more accessible and worked a bit on their people skills, even though I’m sure they have very good business reasoning for being the way they are. But I would be over the moon if they stopped all this futzing around with my ISBN number.

A few days ago, I took a tumble in the parking lot of the San Jose Kaiser Permanente. While I don’t advise it, if you have to take a fall, try to do it in the parking lot of a hospital. Within seconds about 12 doctors, nurses, and orderlies came running. They were all very concerned about me. I, on the other hand, sat there wondering how I was going to get up. Getting up from the ground at my age is not always the easiest thing to do and it certainly isn’t the most graceful. It may have taken four nurses and orderlies to do it, but they hauled me up and took me to ER where I was diagnosed with a broken wrist. Not only did I have a broken wrist, but it was my dominant wrist, which is the left. I’m left-handed. And a writer. Yikes!

 This presented some problems, not the least of which was being in the middle of my latest WIP, Cleopatra slept here. Aside from the fact that I am completely dependent upon my husband to do nearly everything and will be for the next six weeks, what bothers me the most is I can’t type any of my work into the computer. What to do?

Big Decision born of necessity: go rogue and use the dictation program in Word for Windows. I gave it a whirl, but it didn’t work. Where was this stupid microphone? I spent the better part of two hours searching for it on my computer only to discover I didn’t have one. There’s always a glitch.  

But undaunted, I bought a microphone from Amazon, a plug and play. A plug and play does all the necessary setup work such as drivers for your computer and was the way to go for this wounded-wing writer. I’m using Microsoft Word’s AI now to dictate this post.

Using the AI dictation program in Word is akin to having a really dumb secretary. Maybe I shouldn’t say dumb. Maybe unseasoned. And stubborn. Unlike human secretaries, this one doesn’t try to fit in with your work practices. When you tell this AI what not to do, it simply doesn’t listen and continues to make the same mistakes again and again. OK, I thought, the program is free and better than nothing. Why not try to deal with its idiosyncrasies? So, I am.

Remember the Three Stooges? I call the AI on my phone Moe. Moe knew early on I used the word ain’t every now and then. It no longer tells me it’s a misspelling or I should put in something else. Microsoft Word’s AI, who I call Curly, is not so smart. It will put a period or capitalize a word in the middle of a sentence for I know not why. Or add an extra space in between words. Really, Curly? Also, if I leave the microphone on and say nothing, it takes my breathing to be the words bye-bye. And if I clear my throat? It puts in the word Oh. With my allergies, I’m always clearing my throat. At the end of the day, I find a plethora of Ohs scattered around my manuscript. And do not talk to the mailman or a passing dog while it’s on. There’s no telling what it will write. Flergon deherden flup??

As I read this back, I must say I come off like an ungrateful cow. Moo. Maybe I’m being a little like Larry, the third member of the Three Stooges. Or maybe I’m just taking out my frustrations about my broken wrist on an inanimate object that acts a lot like a person, but isn’t. After all, these are very useful tools we have now. AI has really come up with some things that makes our lives better. Not perfect, but better. Nothing is perfect in this world. I remember once at about 23 years old, I thought I might be perfect. I was mistaken. Even my mother had a good laugh over that one.

So, until my wrist heals up, I will continue to use this free dictation program, glad I don’t have to type with my nose to get my work done. Or hire a real secretary. And if this secretary knows the eight parts of speech, it could be up to 40 bucks an hour. To recap, if the iPhone is Moe, and Microsoft Word is Curly, then I guess I’m Larry.

 I can go there.

I started a new novel a few weeks ago, Cleopatra Slept here, Book 11 of the Alvarez Family Murder Mysteries. All enthusiastic, I got off to a rip-roaring start, only to peter out several days later. I found any excuse not to sit down and write, some of them pretty lame. Watching the leaves grow on a rosebush is not a valid excuse. Neither is watching the new season of Bridgerton, although the costumes are fantastic and there is a lot of huggy-poo-kissie-face. But still, not a good enough reason to put off my work. So, I called myself on it and found, as usual, I was in a stall because I was on the wrong road.

I should be used to this. I am directionally challenged. I remember back in ’86, when my husband and I packed up everything we owned, including two reluctant cats, and headed from New Jersey to California. It was December 14^th. Chilly weather, but drivable. Naturally, the car hitch to the truck didn’t work. As it was a Sunday and Avis Rent-a-Truck was closed, we decided he would drive the truck (alone) and I would lead the way driving the car (with the two cats). I was the leader because I was in charge of the Trip Tik, an involved layout of driving instructions from Triple A, before the internet was a going concern. I think I mentioned I am directionally challenged. That was the day we found out. December 14, 1986.

Instead of heading west and south to Texas, I managed to head us northwest, even with directions. We discovered this error about 9 hours later, 5 miles to the gallon, during a blizzard. Divorces have been caused by less. Norm became suspicious about the blizzard and not seeing any signs for Texas. He honked me over to the side of the road where reality hit. Lake Erie was in view.

Near the border of Canada, we crashed for the night at a Motel 6 when it really was 6 bucks. I will not go into the discussion about me leading us closer to Lake Erie than we had ever been before or since, but sufficeth it to say I gave up my rights to the Trip Tik or any other directional leadings in the future. But at least my husband was still talking to me, even if it was through tight lips. The cats were not talking to me, so it was a long night, blizzard and all. A week later we arrived in California, no thanks to me.

I allude to this December 14^th snafu as it has a direct bearing on my writing.  Metaphorically speaking, I was heading in the wrong direction, about to run into the Lake Erie of writing, a lovely lake I’m sure, but not my destination. Initially, I may not have known that’s what I did to myself, but somewhere in the deep recesses of my soul, Life’s Trip Tik did. It took a while because I didn’t have a snow-covered, tight-lipped husband standing over me with flames shooting from his mouth, but eventually, I got the message. I had gone north when I should have gone south.

This is particularly important with book 11, Cleopatra Slept Here. I will elucidate. Book 9, The Drop-Dead Temple of Doom, takes place in Guatemala, the storyline dealing with ancient Mayans, archeology, and what have you. So here I am in book 11 writing a storyline dealing with ancient Egyptians, archeology, and what have you. I knew from the beginning the story had to be as different as possible from book 9 but Laudie, Laudie, Laudie.

Leave it to me to head north when I should be going south. I’d started out with the same scenario as book 9. It was comfortable. Missing person, trip to the pyramids for Lee Alvarez, protagonist; former Navy SEAL husband, Gurn; and she-who-must-be-obeyed mother of Lee, Lila. Really, Heather? It took me a long time to find a U-turn from that road.

After I slept on it, played in my garden, and bought things on the internet I am now returning, what to do hit me. Start the stupid story ANEW. Forget anything you wrote before. Pretend you never wrote book 9. Don’t be influenced by it. Every series writer knows it’s tough not to repeat yourself, but you simply can’t. The readers remember, bless their hearts. And it’s about as close to cheating as you can get. I mean, plagiarizing yourself? How gauche.

And I realized I did want something different in book 11. I wanted the entire Alvarez family together on a ship floating down the Nile. The three mentioned above, but I also wanted Tío, retired chef uncle; brother and IT guru, Richard; his wife, Vicki; their 2-year-old daughter, Steffi; and Lee and Gurn’s 2 cats, Tugger and Baba. Why? Why not. The more, the merrier. But how to accomplish that?

A 2-week vacation! No need to stick in missing people, mishaps, or mysteries in the story. Yet. Just a family vacation laid out as simply as possible, with everything falling into place. This includes free private transportation to Egypt, thanks to Gurn’s pilot buddy who happens to be flying a large plane to Luxor and needs him for a co-pilot. There’s also free lodging on the Blue Nile, a ship with rooms to spare, thanks to the original dig seeking out Cleopatra’s tomb in Alexandria being canceled and most dig members scattering. Gurn’s parents, amateur archeologists, were willing to pay through the nose to be included in this canceled dig but have been persuaded to join a new one, the search for Cleopatra’s mother.

Cleopatra VII, of Julius Caesar and Mark Antony fame, was born in early 69 BC to the ruling Ptolemaic pharaoh Ptolemy XII and an unknown mother, possibly Ptolemy XII’s wife Cleopatra V Tryphaena. But it is not certain. The Dig Director and main benefactor of the original dig decides instead of following the pack in Alexandria trying to locate Celopatra’s tomb, sailing aboard the Blue Nile for Aswan to find out just who the queen’s mom was is the way to go. The Alvarez family decides to join in the search. And all for free!

But nothing is free in this world, not even in fiction. What starts out as a gentle, family-oriented vacation lolling around on the Nile ends up with the Alvarez clan being caught up in a mind-numbing ride of murder, drugs, and other chicanery. The trade of heroin may persist in Egypt, despite efforts by security forces to eliminate it, but something is mightily wrong with the elegant Blue Nile. Who are these strange voices heard in the middle of the night? Why do missing waiters seem to be commonplace aboard this ship?  And what is the secret the elusive captain’s log holds?

Egypt’s strategic location makes it a significant destination and transit point for heroin moving from Asia to Europe, Africa, and the US. But all of this settles in on the Alvarez clan too late to do anything but ride posse on the truth, camel-style.

Writing a series with a continuing cast of characters has its drawbacks. Sure, I know everybody, like everybody, even the villains. But there are a few inherent problems. The main one is I have to remember all that has gone before, especially character names and traits. I mean, really? I’ve just finished the 10th book of the Alvarez Family Murder Mysteries and I’m supposed to remember what I wrote in Murder is a Family Business, book 1? Unfortunately, yes.

I can’t change the eye color of a character, for instance. No blue eyes in one book and brown in another. Unless the character is wearing contacts for some reason. Of course, I can justify just about anything on a temporary basis, but the eye color, height, and age of a character, where they were born, their parents, all that basic stuff just can’t be tossed around, willy-nilly. Willy is willing but Nilly doesn’t like it at all.

If I have a character who is a pegleg sea captain in one book and in the next book I have him running a marathon, I’d better come up with a pretty danged good reason as to how that can happen. That’s why I probably should be keeping copious notes on the physical, emotional, and mental goings on with each continuing character. But do I? Well, I did have one somewhere, but like most of my lists, after I write them they seem to take a hike. I am even plotted against by the universe. I had a fabulous running list on the computer once and then my computer crashed. The only thing that couldn’t be restored was that stupid list. I gave up after that. So on the rare occasion I’ve forgotten something, back I go into each book searching for a specific something. A refresher course, if you will.

I just ran into this problem with my WIP, Cleopatra Slept Here, book 11, almost on the first page. I couldn’t remember Gurn’s mother’s first name. Or his father’s first name, either. I went into a panic. I usually remember things like that (probably another reason why I am sloppy about my lists) but this shocked me. So I went back into The CEO Came DOA when his parents first showed up, and discovered I never gave them first names. Lee and Gurn’s wedding turned out to be a free-for-all where anything that can go wrong did and the weather was the number one culprit/character. If I was going to give a name to anything, it would have been the wind, and as we all know from the song, I call the wind Mariah. So did the lyricist.

On the plus side, when I go back to previous books, I sometimes discover a sentence that could be written better. So I do just that and upload it. Now and then I discover certain phrases I tend to use over again (stop that, stop that, stop that!). I rewrite those, too. Because as we all know, writing is rewriting. And if you don’t want it to be finished, it doesn’t have to be.

So, on those frankly-not-too-common occasions when I have no idea what I wrote before, I try to use the experience for the better. Lemonade, doncha know. Which reminds, me I should remember to buy lemons. Where’s that list?